Finally! A movie star who looks like me…

separated at birth

Well Hollywood, it’s about effin time.  While it feels validating to share the facial characterstics of a major up and coming leading man movie star (though admittedly, I am taller), I can’t help but feel resentment that it took this long.

Where were you, Sam Worthington, 10 years ago?  I had to fend for myself for years and years with no reasonable facsimile on the silver screen.  Had you become famous earlier, it would have provided a level of social proof that would have made my dating life so much easier.  Everytime a girlfriend of mine would be asked by one of her idiot friends, “what does he look like”, she really wouldn’t have an answer.  As well, you can only imagine other scenario’s, like:  “Have you seen the new guy?”  “The one who looks like Sam Worthington”  “Yeah, I totally want to fuck him”  “Me too, if I get there first you owe me a latte”, or something like that in however girls talk.

Having said that, better late than never I suppose, and really being ahead of my time is something I’ve come to grow used to, given my enormous academic and emotional intelligence, it really is par for the course I play.

At the same time, I think if we are going to share a level of genetic resemblance, their are certain rules we must both adhere to, given that our paths are now forever intertwined and we both have a lot at stake…what with you being a big movie star and me being America’s most beloved unemployed dad.

Rule #1:  We can’t get fat.  Guys who look like Val Kilmer took this for granted for years and now they are paying the price.  You promise to stay in shape and I will do the same.  If you get fat, people will say to me “You kind of look like Sam Worthington before he got fat.”  If I get fat people will say “You look like a fat Sam Worthington”.  Neither of us wins in either scenario.  If you must get fat to win an Oscar or something, like George Clooney or Charlize Theoren, don’t.  Personally I think it’s been overdone.  Lets get our Oscars the old fashioned way, in shape.

Rule #2:  No marrying nannies and banging rough looking waitresses on the side.  Really I think this should be self evident.  Also, I’m way ahead of you on this one.  If anything, you should be dating beautiful and challenging women, like a bi-polar Harvard graduate.  Banging waitresses is okay while you are still single, but only if you are bored.

Rule #3:  No “Snow Dogs” or equivalent.

Rule #4:  No rap music side career.

Rule #5:  No rehab…no…no…no.

Rule #6:  No jumping on Oprah’s couch because you fell in love with Mandy Moore or something.  Oh, no scientology as well while we are on that subject.

Rule #7:  Stay away from Angelina Jolie.  Have you seen Brad Pitt lately?  It’s like someone sucked the life out of his eyes.  He’s not Brad Pitt anymore.  The wrong woman will absolutely ruin you.  Think 182nd ranked Andre Agassi married to Brooke Shields and top 5 ranked Andre Agassi married to Steffi Graf.  In fact, stay away from low ranking American actresses that are older than you all together.  They have everything to gain and you have everything to lose.

That’s all for now.  If you promise to adhere to these seven simple principles, I shall do the same and we can both enjoy many future years of career success and handsomeness.