Creepy Old Guys: Harbingers of unfortunate fate or just outliers on the creepy scale…

Even people who aren’t as smart as me know these guys.  The old codgers who latch on with raptor like ferocity to young pretty girls everywhere.  They are almost universally viewed as “harmless”, as they moon over girls in most cases young enough to be their granddaughters with slobbery compliments and touchy feely grabiness.

Recently, however, my big juicy chess club brain has been recognizing patterned behavior.  I postulated my theory to an associate of mine, in that I’m not so sure the intent is absolutely harmless.  I began to wonder if the old guys were sending younger men everywhere messaging from the future, like old Biff to young Biff in “Back to the Future” passing on the sports almanac.  That message would be hit everything that moves.  My theory is that in their primes, these guys, depending on their looks, confidence and verbal dexerity, would be anywhere between a 10:1 shot and 100:1 shot at making a connection.  Given their current super oldness, those odds have shifted in the region between 1,000:1, 10,000:1 and beyond.  As such, they really need to ramp up those approach numbers to yield a winning outcome.  I’m not even sure they ever get a winning outcome, possibly there exist urban legends among senior citizens about a guy who knows a guy who happened to catch a young girl at an extreme moment of emotional fragility or boredom and made it happen.  What else could explain this behavior?  Not unlike mice chasing cheese in a maze, we tend to execute outcome oriented actions, surely the act of sloppy approach is not in and of itself a desired outcome.

Here are four examples of what I am talking about.  Two happened on the same day, and my recent investigation into parapsychology because I’ve already absorbed the entire volume of knowledge of regular psychology, suggests that people underestimate the power of synchronicity of events.  So pay attention.

1.  Ball comber guy:  Ball comber guy is a guy at the rec center pool I go to who combs his ball hair in the locker room.  It’s really quite disgusting.  I don’t even know why he goes to the pool, other than to comb his balls in a public place, because he never swims.  He’s probably in his late thirties, early forties and looks like a Mediterranean Danny Devito, essentially he physically is a boob with hair.  His MO is to hammer away relentlessly at the teenage girl lifeguards, regaling them with tales of crazy ex-girlfriends and guys he beat up.  He’s really quite revolting.  Also, he is clearly violating French math on maximum age difference in a romantic relationship, which is half the mans age plus seven.  If you think about it, this French math works at every age.

2.  Yappy European guy with chinese friend in sauna:  yappy 50 plus European guy yaps away about stupid stories with his chinese friend in the sauna, which really annoys me.  A few weeks back he was yapping away about some stupid story on what he was getting his wife for her birthday, and how he was taking her out to dinner and such.  Then when he exited he beelined for a really ugly, chubby teenage girl and began yapping away to her about how he sees her in his store all the time and yada yada.  Big time French math violator, but at least she was super not pretty.  This adds a sense of reality to his efforts, because the other trend I’m noticing is what tremendously huge swings some of these guys are taking in the girls they are going after, as we shall soon see.

3.  Weird German Guy who used to be a chef:  The first of two synchronized same day events.  Having lunch at one of those hotel lounges with the decor from the land that time forgot because they apparently have the best steak sandwich and its cheap.  With the same guy I postulated the “old guy long odds theory” to, and a gal that’s pretty good looking, almost as good looking as me (just kidding, she might be as good looking as me…no, scratch that, almost).  Weird 70 plus German guy approaches and opens with the weather, transitions into Tiger Woods blah blah blah, blathers on about lost opportunity of not being a golf instructor himself, complete with pantomimed grinding wrap around “teaching them how to hold the club” routine, and leaves.  Then he comes back, pulls out a wad of photo’s, and passes my female counterpart a carefully selected photo of what at a cursory glance (because I don’t care) to me looked like some cougar in red blouse with cleavage, or a Russian mail order bride, in a “I hit that” sense.  Whatever.

4.  Can barely move guy and French Canadian girl:  Different rec center because the one I normally go to is closed for annual maintenance, sauna again because they are really good for you, chatting with this French Canadian girl about this and that.  She’s actually a bit on the stunning side, with the exception of her tatoo’s which I don’t really care for, and complaining about being too fat (ha, ha, girls are so funny).  So exiting the sauna, French Canadian girl goes to the water fountain, out of freaking nowhere, easily 80 years old plus and barely mobile, old guy approaches.  “You have a great body” he says.  So disgusting!  How overtly sexual and inappropriate to a person in a swimming suit that you don’t even know, but it’s okay because you are super old and allegedly harmless?  So gross.

Overall my concern is this: it was always advertised to me that as you got older, your sex drive waned and stuff.  Not sure about that.  The proliferation of viagra suggests to me that it might never go away, possibly the ability, but not the drive.  If you offered me a pill that would give me the physical desire to play video games or get stupid drunk, stuff I outgrew, I wouldn’t be interested.  Since most guys are essentially the same animal regardless of how we try to position ourselves, are these behaviors consistent with an unhappy fate many of us will share, or are these guys just outliers on the creepy scale?

I’m going with outliers.  Lots and lots and lots of outliers out there…

Californication pisses me off

I’m okay with most of the ridiculousness of the ongoing homage to David Duchovny’s sex addiction as it plays out week after week on the show.  Im good with  him banging every woman within eight feet of him.  I’m fine with the fact that his baby mama who is the most beautiful woman on the show absolutely puts up with it with a cavalier “oh that Hank” attitude and in turn, never sleeps with anyone other than Hank herself.  In this respect, the show objectifies every female character on the show as a sex object, which I am good with.

What I’m not okay with is that every male character on the show, by design to accomodate Duchovny’s massive monument to himself, has to be an over the top caricature of weakness.  His agent is super weak on every level, the man he stole his baby mama from was a wooden old bore, the rock star guy didn’t have Hank’s moral character (?), the professor guy is repulsive, even Rick Springfield was willing to pimp himself out as a joke on the show, to absolutely ensure Duchovny’s alpha status by direct comparison.  In this respect, Duchovny is objectifying men, and that is where I draw the line.

You could at least make it a race!  

Also his daughter is super annoying.

Hey Police! Back off Craigslist

The Cook County Sherrifs office is suing Craigslist over it’s availability in providing ads for “Erotic Services” under the auspice that Craigslist is the “single largest source of prostitution in the country”.

Specifically, they are asking Craigslist to refund the sheriffs office to refund $100,000 in ad expenses the sherrifs office used to post phony prostitution ads for the purpose of stinging unsuspecting respondants and arresting them for answering the illegal ads.

Is everybody stupid but me?  To be sure, prostitution carries a tremendous social cost on all its participants and arguably is against the greater good.  But when will lawmakers wake up and realize THE ONLY WAY TO ELIMINATE PROSTITUTION IS TO MAKE IT ILLEGAL.

If they illegalize prostitution in North America and other G7 nations, with an eye to making it illegal in emerging nations as well, we can eliminate this age old problem.

As it stands, suing Craigslist is merely shooting the messenger in this case. 

Further, Craigslist should be suing the Cook County Sherrifs office for posting illegal ads, the respondents to these ads clearly did not get what they were pursuing when they acted on the offers posted.  These kind of shady dealings could cripple the reputation of Craigslist.  If I show up at a doorstep expecting to buy a used copy of “Guitar Hero” from an ad I saw on Craigslist, and get put in handcuffs instead and arrested, I would likely question the legitimacy of Craigslist as a forum for commercial transactions.  I am sure this is contrary to the value proposition offered by Craigslist.

While I like the idea of moving forward toward a totalitarian state where local sherrifs offices can dictate to private industry how they should run their businesses on the basis of a moral superiority we all know law enforcement officials possess relative to the general public, I think in this case they are off base.

Currently, prostitution is a global problem due to the lack of laws prohibiting the act.  Law enforcement agencies taking action against Craigslist and using Craigslist to ensnare unsuspecting consumers is just stupid. 

Wake up, lawmakers, you control the outcome here.  Once it is made illegal, the problem will go away.

Hey Anonymous Hate Mongers! We get it, you’re really violent

Ken Krayeske is a political activist of sorts whose goal is to open meaningful dialogue for the purpose of improving the world we live in.

If you don’t watch ESPN, he recently attended a press conference at the University of Connecticut and questioned basketball coach Jim Calhoun’s $1.6 million dollar salary as a state employee, relative to the $2 billion state budget deficit.  Calhoun went off on Krayeske, telling him he was stupid, telling him to shut up; he completely lost his cool and verbally pounded what he saw at his tormentor.  He ranted about the “gate” at that evenings game and the $12 million in revenue the team brings to the university annually.

First and foremost, I am a capitalist.  There is a market driven price for successful college athletic coaches and Calhoun’s salary reflects that market.  Are they deserving of that much?  Probably, there is lot of money at stake between a winning and losing program, and the job requires a great deal of skill, work ethic, ability to handle pressure and the handcuffs of being a public figure.

My challenge with Calhoun’s response is that he did not reflect a level of professionalism relative to his compensation.  The attributes being paid for in executive roles like being a CEO of a Fortune 500, or running a big time Division I athletic program, include the EQ to keep your head while those around you lose theirs.  Clearly, Calhoun did not display an emotional intelligence that would indicate his worth as a seven figure earner.  A freak out session in response to a law students somewhat tough and definitely personal (as it relates to salary) questioning is not the right response.  If Calhoun had the EQ that typically merits a million dollar leadership salary, he would have handled the student in a deft and forthright manner, or at least without telling him “My advice to you?  Shut up”.

Which brings me to my point.  I sent an email to Ken, reflecting that though I still support the market driven salaries of college coaches (as indicated above), I also supported his right to challenge the system by opening a dialogue, and that Calhoun’s reaction lacked the polish of a true executive leader and molder of young men.

Krayeske responded with a thank you, and from the email:  “I have received more than 50 emails today, most of them from anonymous hate mongers telling me to die”.

Really, anonymous hate mongers, that’s the appropriate response for the expression of views contrary to your own?  The dissenter should “die”?  You couldn’t just wish that he gets herpes or something?  Isn’t that a bit extreme for practicing your first amendment rights to free speech?  Even if you really love UConn basketball in this case, does that punishment fit the crime of politely challenging the compensation structure of college athletics?

Everybody who is stupid but me doesn’t realize the irony in responding to the freedom of speech expression with hate speech.  Hate speech, like telling peace activists to die for upsetting their favorite basketball coach, is not protected by freedom of speech legislation.  So essentially you are violating speech laws in responding to those who exercise speech freedoms contrary to your views, which without the hate elements, would also be viable.

Good thing you are posting anonymously. (Phew)

What’s the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?

Joaquin Phoenix, what’s the deal?

It was all uphill from here.  You already overcame being a child actor, very few escape that trap.  You escaped being the significantly less attractive and less talented younger sibling of River Phoenix, Chad Lowe is calling and he wants your help with that.  You showed up in Gladiator, killed in Walk the Line, got paid in We Own the Night.  Life was good and it was good to be Joaquin Phoenix.

The rap thing.  Hmmm…usually there is a certain amount of street credibility associated with hip hop artists that you may have a tough time earning.  Stuff like getting shot sixteen times, or growing up in rough neighborhoods, overcoming obstacles that create pain that goes into music that listeners who have also been shot growing up in rough neighborhoods can relate to.  Also, usually people strive to become famous rappers to become millionaires, not while they are millionaires.  I know that sounds inequitable, but I don’t make the rules.

Is like a Michael Jordan playing baseball thing?  Do you think you are too good at the acting thing, own the game, and need a new challenge in your life?  Possibly your 2008 People’s Choice Award for favorite leading man went to your head.  Okay, but you’re not really that good.  You are pretty wooden in most of your roles, save Walk the Line, where again, you were brilliant.  Possibly you think you can’t peak beyond that Johnny Cash performance, and I get that, not just because I am smarter than everyone else.  That could definitely be the case.

I’m okay with the David Letterman appearance.  Gutsy, because it didn’t work out too well for the careers of Crispin Glover and Harvey Pekar to piss that guy off with overt strangeness.  I respect your courage for that, although, this week alone your IMDB popularity soared 7,150%, so possibly there is a method to your madness.  It could be that you are smarter than me, though not likely, and it is your life.

I’ll make you a deal, because I want you to push yourself to the limits of your excellence, because I am into stuff like that too.  Bring home three Oscars and then do the disoriented prospector fresh from the hills on painkillers act on national talk shows and retirement from acting.  Bring home hardware like the Robert Downey, Jr. character from Tropic Thunder, and then you can make a case you transcended the game and it’s time to move on.

Regardless of how good you are as a hip hop artist, without the sixteen bullets and only way to get out is through my rhymes urban upbringing, chances are good that people may not listen to your music with an open mind.  You may be similar to the 6′ 9″ Jordan struggling to hit a curve ball, or any pitch with his gargantuan strike zone in a game that he also loved, but was completely not equipped to succeed in. 

No matter what happens, you will always be River Phoenix’s less talented brother that really nailed the Johnny Cash performance to me.  So you have that going for you, which is nice.

Dude, where’s my flying car?

When I was growing up, based on scientific calculations I did from extrapolating theoretical future technology from old science fiction movies and estimating their arrival date, we are about 10 years behind on the flying car.

Flying car was a birthright I was practically promised as a child, yet I seem to be the only one ticked off that they are not a mainstream commodity.  Whenever I bring it up, I always get strange looks, eye rolling, and head shaking, like I’m the idiot or something.

Case in point, I was at a sales call with one of my reps that was going nowhere at an auto dealership.   Auto dealerships, btw, are the worst customers for ANYTHING, they want everything yesterday and for nothing.  On the service side, after getting routinely beat up by customers who own them through the power of financially dependant CSI calls, they salivate at the prospect of degrading vendor salespeople to get even with humanity.  On the sales side, beating people in negotiations is their badge of honor, what they brag to each other about when you leave.  So if you want to sell anything to a car dealership, let them think they are humiliating and screwing you.  But I digress.

Anyway the sale was going nowhere, so to break the ice I brought up the concept of the flying car to the service manager.  Of course he 1. rolled his eyes at me 2. shook his head and 3. looked at me like I was an idiot.  “The thing you don’t understand” he said, which is a crazy thing to say to the guy who understands everything, “is that some of those cars are going to fall out of the sky”.  Oh my, my big juicy chess club brain never envisioned the concept that gravity would have on mechanical failure!  Oh well, back to the drawing board for me I guess!  Actually he mostly did that because the rep had big boobs, and it was a desperate attempt on his part to show her he was the alpha male in the room, which of course, he was not.

Everybody is stupid but me.  If we had flying cars, what difference does it make if a few fell out of the sky.  I looked it up, and there are reported cases of incidents associated with vehicular land travel as it is.  If you don’t believe me, look out the window when you are driving, or pick up a newspaper, or listen to the radio on your drive to work, it’s really up to you.

I did some additional research, and it always turns out that cars that fly are super cool, would be incredibly fun to travel in, and good for dates because girls like to be scared and it bonds them to the person who is around them when they are scared.

Still need more?  With flying cars think how many man hours of productivity and leisure would be saved by not being in traffic.  Think how much money would be saved by civic, state and federal government on not having to maintain and upgrade the road infrastructure.  That system is broken anyway, how many times do you see five people watching one guy work, and what’s the deal with the guy/gal who holds the slow/stop sign?  That’s work that is moving us forward as a civilization.

Unfortunately, everybody is stupid but me, and nobody is out there insisting on flying cars like I am, because they don’t get it and even it they do, their ego orientations can’t take the humiliation of being snickered at like I can.  Though I don’t blame them, you have to be really exceptionally awesome to put up with that for a good cause…